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june 25, 2023 // uptown girl
coming back from london makes me the saddest. i keep feeling as though that's where i'm meant to be, the place i finally felt free enough to just do whatever it is i want to do. i felt, first and foremost, safe. walking down the street at night feels liberating. it's a small thing, but it matters.
i've never outright said it, but i believe i just actually dislike the "american way of life" and american culture. i'm not a hyperindividualist; i feel more empathy for my fellow humans than most american policies would allow. i don't want to churn out kids while destroying the country and the world we're raising them in. i'm anti-capitalist, a direct antithesis to american "culture" for the last hundred years. i don't want to exploit problems for profit or settle for the ridiculous, such as accepting people being unhoused because someone says there must be winners and losers. i want to walk down the street to get groceries without fear of being shot in a drive-by, like people i've known throughout my life. i'm tired of fearing some extremists shooting up a place in san francisco. i'm tired of being afraid of mentally ill strangers who aren't receiving the help they require. i'm tired of living in a country too big for its britches and too polarized to solve problems.
since we've gotten back, i've been ruminating on all the things i don't like about where we live now, but i would be fooling myself if i didn't resign that the grass is just greener in my imagination. we've visited these places, the places i could see myself living, and there's just different sets of problems, regardless of where you are. everywhere has issues that you eventually must face or contend with, and there's no exception to that. some places might suffer from overpopulation or a housing crisis; others might have little services or convenience. what you deal with on a day-to-day basis might be the best-case scenario for someone else, yearning to live in the city you're in, living the life you're living.
ultimately, though, i continually find that there's an air of wanting to progress, acknowledging correction is needed, shifting in directions that allow more people to experience happiness, and—at the core—understanding the need to change in places other than america. you're able to change things when you don't have 330+ million people with egocentric culture: you're able to take in more opinions when you don't have american exceptionalism drilled into your brain—and, when you actually believe in community and your fellow human, you're more likely to compromise and understand. turns out your quality of life might be better, too. i have so much faith that my trans friends in the united kingdom will prevail, for these reasons—i feel it when i speak to strangers in pubs or dissect the issues of the day with britons (who insist upon talking politics with us as soon as we land in the country); the progress will happen for them and for others.
this is one of the reasons why i enjoy travel, despite the weeks-long yearning it leaves once i stand upon my home shores again. there's versions of me that exist out there that live in all the places i want to live, and there's parts of me that only exist in order to further the goal of moving someplace new, someplace other. i remind myself that i am capable of making the decisions, capable of staying still, capable of making the choice if i want to. and it's okay if i want to stick it out a bit longer in a place i enjoy, for now, for once; because i might just pack it all up and leave again soon.▮